Onward and upwards.

I have a firm credo. You may think you’d survive a situation in a film because you are “built differently.” But you would not be able to survive a situation. I’m

Maybe it’s just me and my limitations. Maybe it’s Maybelline. Who knows. But I have absolute doubts about your survival skills in a horror movie. I mean come on. We’re all on death’s door the moment our allergies kick in (or is that just me?). And go catatonic once we hear the phone ring (again, me?).

But some situations are hyper specific. Sometimes you end up in a Hitchcockian (say it. Out loud) situation that feels very 60s and 70s coded. Perhaps it’s a murder plot. Or a freak attack of nature.

I was curious how I would fare in some HC based plots. Maybe me, going through this self-aware journey, will lead you to evaluate your own journey. Maybe it’ll make you chuckle. Maybe it’ll inspire a serial killer to find and stalk me (and fall in love with me? Blade-fingers crossed, people).

Let’s find out. Mild spoilers ahead.

1.) Psycho

• Would I be uncomfortably seduced by Anthony Perkins, putting down my guard and ending up a victim of shower-based violence?
• You bet your bottom dollar I would. Have you *seen* Anthony Perkins? No, I mean, have you seen him in the black sweater he wears during act 2 of the movie?

• Perkins was the blueprint for Hot Priest. Not that he played a priest (although repressed, dresses up, has stifling values, maybe Norman just needed a different calling?). But I digress. One look into that kind resourceful face and I’d be a puddle. Only one thing could save me…
• …Asking him to run away with me to Vermont. My “Too much too soon ‘Hey I Just Met You and This Is Crazy’” personality would scare even Norman Bates away. My fate would be A-Bated for another day.

2.) Rear Window

• Would I go along with Grace Kelly’s conspiratorial schemes involving spying on/breaking and entering a nefarious neighbors house?
• Honey. She was the Princess of Monaco. Plus, this shot from the film single handedly reminds me that I’m a bi guy.

• Like when I saw this in high school I was like “Well I must be straight.” Although when I saw Psycho I also thought “Yeah I want to look like Norman Bates. And that’s it just look like him and nothing else.”
• Wrong Jake. You wanted Norman Bates to look at you.

• Anyways. Grace Kelly could tell me to kick an election official and I’d do it.

3.) North by Northwest

• Would I get lost and realize I’m afraid of planes?
• Yes. And I am. Minorly. Like I don’t *need* a drink on a plane. But it helps. Sadly I can’t outrun a crop duster plane. So death shall come to me once again.

4.) Vertigo

• Would I change my identity for a man and let my fear of heights lead to death?
• Oh honey. It reads like an autobiography. Of course I’d change for a man. Of course I’m afraid of heights. It’s the perfect crime. And I’d go right along with it.

5.) The Birds

• Would I be killed by birds trying to rescue children from their feathery maws?
• Absolutely not. For once I’d live. The children have to learn how to manage on their own. Please. What is education if not furthering the future?

See this hero? This looks like a WW4 ad (fight the birds save the children etc). This ain’t me.

Hopefully this has given you the opportunity to explore who you are as a person. Let me know if you think you’d make it through any of these films. And if so … *How*?!